Thursday, February 17, 2011


Yesterday, we attended the funeral of my husband's Aunt.  Aunt Doris was going to turn 91 in March.  And, although we will miss her, we are thankful that she lived a long, happy life.   It was nice to see some of Tom's cousins that we haven't seen in forever, and to hear such nice stories about their grandmother.

However, attending a funeral in February brought about an issue for me that I didn't think about.  It was going to be 60 degrees outside, and I just didn't feel like pants were appropriate. I knew that I would wear a dress, but my lily white legs were in no condition to see the light of day.  I haven't worn panty hose in years.  Ugggh!  But, I ventured to the store to buy some tights anyway.   And, you've all heard  my spray tan story, so... that wasn't an option either! 

So... getting ready, I realized that the tights were just TOO dark for a sunny day.  I rumaged through my drawers and found a pair of panty hose that had been there for years.  I examined them and was pleased to see that there were no runs at all!  SCORE!  So, I decided to wear them with my dress. 

I was already at the pre-funeral luncheon when I realized that these panty hose were so old that they had actually dry rotted!  I got up to fix my plate and noticed that they were quickly slipping down from my waist to my fanny.  I tried the casual "walking adjustment" but that only made it worse!  And, when you're in a room full of people, you can't actually grab your butt and try to pull up your panty hose.  

I made it back to my chair and sat down.  By then, there was a strong "panty line" right across the middle of my big fat fanny!   I tried to casually pull them up under the cover of the tablecloth, but to my horror, the man sitting next to me did the quick "look away",  so I knew for a fact that I had been anything but subtle!

Tom suggested that I go to the bathroom to pull them up.  Well... on the way back, the waist band just worked it's way down to my thighs.  At that point, I was doing the "sag walk"... Legs spread far apart and making careful steps trying to keep them from coming down any further.  I know the teenage boys think "sagging" is cool, but I think those boys are going to suffer from hip dysplasia when they are older, because I just about threw out my hip trying to hold up my panty hose.

At the funeral, it just got worse.  My sister-in-law and I went to the bathroom, and I tried to fix it.  She said "Why didn't you put a pair of underwear OVER the panty hose?"   Well... I'll tell you why!  Because, then I would just have underwear that was sagging too!  There was no holding up these hose.  They wanted to be at my knees, and dang it, that is where they were going to stay. 

By the time we were leaving the funeral, the waist band was half way down my thighs, and the crotch was just about to dip below my hem line.  I got in the car and looked over at Tom laughing.  I pulled up my dress slightly and said "LOOK!"    I couldn't stop laughing... It was such a sight to see!  I've worn socks that came up higher than these panty hose.  And they were much more comfortable.

Lesson of the day... buy hose that FIT!  It would be very embarrassing to explain that you broke your hip trying to hold up your panty hose.  And besides, there'll be plenty of time for 'sagging' when you're older!   

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