Friday, November 19, 2010

Menopause and the Spray Tan

My niece is getting married on Saturday.   Since both of my girls are participating in the wedding, I thought it would be a wonderful idea for my husband and I to coordinate somewhat and take a nice family picture.  I mean seriously, there aren’t many times when all of us are dressed up at the same time.
So… I bought a cute black dress with spaghetti straps to wear.  I tried it on for the fam, and it was a unanimous decision that I was entirely too pale for this dress.  Not to mention the fact that I have a nice tennis tan on my arms and neck ( V shaped at that), which made it look even less appealing! 
 I tried the tanning bed once, but I burned my bum.  So, after much coaxing, I agreed to get a spray tan.  I thought if I went a few days early, it would have a day or two to fade a little so that I wouldn’t look unnatural (ha!).   My daughter works at a tanning salon, and has gotten quite good at spray tanning.  So I drove to Athens to get sprayed.  
I don’t know if you’ve ever had a spray tan, but let me tell you, there are no secrets in that room.  The sprayer gets to see all the fat rolls that you can cover up with your clothes.  The thoughts of standing in this little room naked was horrifying.  Thankfully, it was my daughter spraying me, otherwise, I would have high tailed it out of there so fast there would have been tread marks.  
The spray gun looks like a blow dryer, but when the solution hits your skin it is FREEZING.  But, I’m running so hot these days, that I think I actually heard it sizzle.   I was like a little kid in there.  My daughter had to keep saying, “Mom don’t look down.  Mom keep your head up. Mom hold still.  OK Mom, if you move, you’re going to mess this up. Mom.. you can look later. Mom, PLEASE DON’T MOVE. “  Apparently, I was in touch with my curious 6 year old self and could not quit trying to watch it all. 
Finally, after striking several poses that would make a stripper blush, I was finished!  I held a towel up and made a run for the stand up tanning bed.  I stayed in there for 4 minutes with the fans running to dry… Yep, I can honestly tell you I have never had to hold that pose for 4 minutes either!  LOL.  
THEN… I found out that I really needed to put on loose clothing WITHOUT my bra for the next hour or so in order to let it finish setting in.  No problem right…  It would take me an hour to drive home, so I put on my huge sweat shirt and sweat pants. (I thought about stopping at Wally World, since I was dressed for it.)   I was told not to shower until tomorrow, and that I should probably try not to sweat either.  It’s 50 degrees outside, so again no problem, right???   
Well… I made it home just fine and decided to put on my normal clothes to go out to dinner.  It had been several hours, and I thought it was safe.  Other than my face being a little dark, I was pleased with the overall look of the tan.  No streaking, very smooth color, and NO orange look.  Looking prêt-ty good...    
Unfortunately about a hour later disaster struck!  We were heading home from dinner when I felt a hot flash coming on.  Well Crap on a cracker!  I was told no sweating until tomorrow!!!  My body had other ideas!  I rolled down the window, turned on the AC and tried everything to keep it at bay. I even tried to stretch out as flat as possible in the seat so that the creases behind my knees and the crease in my tummy wouldn’t sweat.  Deep breathing didn’t work either!  At home, I can just start stripping off clothes until I cool down, but I couldn’t do that on Hwy 78!  So.. I just sat there, with various parts of my body soaked, and wondered if it would do anything to my new spray tan.  Should I try to dry off, or should I just air dry?  What do I do?  
Well… let me just tell you that there are parts of my body that took a substantial hit by my little side trip to the Bahamas!  Some places look like I took a brown magic marker and drew polka dots.  Under my arms is completely white!  Between my boobs looks like a big white circle with brown dots.  Under my boobs… well,  I don’t really know for sure how to describe it, but it’s not pretty!  Panty line… oh my!  It kind of reminds me of the lead character in  ‘Put me in the Zoo” by Dr Suess.   I managed to salvage behind my knees somewhat, but only because I laid out like I was on a stretcher in my seat.  The parts that show in my dress remain unscathed!  Yay!  
Thankfully – A.)  all the damage was done to parts that never see the light of day anyway!  And… B.) My husband has a good sense of humor J   So… all is well!  
Moral of the story… If you want to look like you just got home from a tropical vacation, make sure you don’t take a side trip to Hot Flash City on the way home from the tanning salon! 

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